If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the length of the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
I'm modest and proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand!
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
Death to all fanatics!
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Beware of geeks bearing gifs.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

And finally....
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you....