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Everything I know I learnt from Sportsnight

Sportsnight was a US TV series that ran from 1999-2001 on ABC. It marked several notable events: it was the first time that "Dramedy" was regularly used and it was the first time that I heard of Aaron Sorkin. He went on to write a little TV show called "The West Wing". So, there were lots of clever lines and obviously dedicated viewers because they put the following together

  • The human mind will not be denied.
  • Don't drink and drive.
  • Drugs are bad for you.
  • Apologize.
  • You can lure a deer into the open by holding out a twinkie but don't kill it, because killing for fun is just mean.
  • It took two people to write the song 'Happy Birthday', and the representatives of Patty and Mildred Hill still hold the copyright, so don't go singing it on TV.
  • Sexual harrassment is wrong.
  • Your true friends will stick by you when no one else will.
  • Office romances are, in general, doomed.
  • Anytime you hear the words 'dating' and 'plan' in the same sentence, it's probably a bad idea.
  • Sometimes it's fun to drink giant blue margaritas at $2 off, then break into a rousing rendition of "My Boogie Shoes".
  • Thespis was the first actor to speak words in a play.
  • Sometimes you find what you're looking for right in front of you.
  • Some people are excellent poker players; others are not.
  • The Confederate flag is a constant reminder of a horrible time America must never forget.
  • "Lisa" (pronounced "Leeza") and "Pixley" are weird names.
  • When you sleep with someone, in Spain or otherwise, you should call them the next day.
  • You shouldn't write to your significant others' relatives without their permission.
  • You shouldn't read other peoples' mail.
  • Don't make promises you can't keep.
  • Do a dance of joy every once in a while.
  • Therapy is good and healthy.
  • Sometimes you can take a day off from moral accountability, but it's not recommended.
  • Jealousy will, on occasion, rear its ugly head.
  • Don't wash your hands; you might miss something big.
  • You can't give yourself a nickname.
  • There are actually 52 states, including Alaska and Rhode Island.
  • Shock therapy doesn't cure writer's block, but beautiful women do.
  • Sometimes integrity is more important than the bottom line.
  • I like grape jelly.
  • Contempt prior to investigation is bad.
  • Tell people how you feel about them.
  • If you go into a church during a rainstorm, "they" will give you a garbage bag.
  • When you're having a really, really bad day, only one good thing has to happen to turn it all around and cheer you up.
  • Everyone once in a while, it's important to ask, "Where are we going?"
  • Thaw a 24-pound frozen turkey on the light grid and it just might come crashing down on you.
  • Men harbour this illusion that they can cover up their 'you know' with this other thing, but women always know.
  • Women have special powers.
  • Everyone's entitled to a bad night.
  • If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people. If you're smart, surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you.
  • Sometimes you have to pull a few strings to get the night off.
  • The only rule of "Celebrities": you can't say the person's name.
  • If you get wet, you'll eventually dry off.
  • It's a Y2K test, not a KY test.
  • Accept people for who they are, even if you can't be proud of it.
  • Sometimes it's worth it, taking all the pies in the face; sometimes you come out of it feeling good. Then again, sometimes you just stand there, hip-deep in pie.
  • In business, money is always the bottom line.
  • When times get tough, remember: you can always open a restaurant in Albuquerque.
  • There WILL be a midnight trade.
  • Look out for your future.
  • When I get a thought in my head, I like it to die right there.
  • Love is blind, sort of.
  • Your mother loves you even though she annoys you.
  • Do the right thing.
  • The nerdy guy can get the pretty girl.
  • Chances are the person you love is about "five different kinds of crazy". Love them anyway.
  • Don't change the luck.
  • Whenever you start to lose it just a little bit, buy a lamp. When your life is really falling apart, buy a camera.
  • Given the opportunity, play golf with David Duvall.
  • Don't invite your porn-star girlfriend to the office when there's even a slight chance it might rain at Indian Wells and your ex might have to stick around for second-round draft coverage.
  • You may find this ridiculous, but I actually need a staple remover.
  • Don't wear an "I survived" t-shirt until you've actually survived whatever the shirt is advertising.
  • Don't go on a job interview at Saturday Night Live (or elsewhere) if you already have a job.
  • Don't smoke.
  • Befriend worldly travellers in bars.
  • Don't keep secrets from your friends; they may withhold your pants.
  • Helsinki is in Finland.
  • There really is a good tape dispenser.
  • There are bad things in the (sports) world, but there are good things, too.
  • Find your niche, and the money will come.
  • Don't slink home after a crappy 2 a.m. show and use someone for sex. That's not dating.
  • Leave the smart-guy remarks to those with post-graduate degrees.
  • Soccer is not a sport.
  • Any time you've got a thousand people sending letters and making phone calls, it's a pretty good bet that at least one of them is crazy.
  • Bad things can happen to good people.
  • Sometimes you have to tear down someone's wall of pain made of bricks, mortar, and that third thing.
  • When you are tired of fighting some battles, count on your friends to fight them for you.
  • If some talking animals ask you to buy some nachos and beer, for God's sake do what they tell you.
  • Helsinki is NOT in Switzerland. It's in Finland.
  • If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people; if you're smart surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you.
  • The boys from Sigma Kappa Pi are a big honkin' buncha losers.
  • Women who are in charge keep it together. That's what they do.
  • Men buy better cake than women.
  • In your search for newsworthy items, let the word "routine" serve as a warning.
  • Women like a phone call.
  • Eleven is an odd number. It's also a prime number.
  • If you want to interrupt a meeting, "looking for a pencil" is too obvious- try "looking for a staple remover" instead.
  • The MLS is an American soccer league.
  • Osteoporosis is very common, especially among Caucasian women.
  • Enjoy the moment.
  • Chickens roost, pigeons perch.
  • Baja California isn't in California it's in Mexico.
  • Bomb-sniffing dogs never get colds.
  • The difference is all the difference.
  • If your family is from Latvia, you have a pretty good alibi.
  • Grey has more ivory in it; gunmetal has more blue.
  • Grammy voters aren't cool.
  • When all else fails, call technical support.
  • You can't get a decent pretzel in Europe.
  • Milwaukee is not the capital of Wisconsin.
  • If you can't hear the show, you can't produce the show.
  • There's a difference between being divorced and being separated. That's why they have those names.
  • If you hear ticking, run for your lives.
  • "Err" is not Latin. It's English and it means error.
  • Don't worry if you "get the call." It's better than a poke in the eye.
  • Women are never quite so happy as when they're making themselves a little list.
  • There's really no end to what we can do.
  • Napoleon had a two-part plan: First show up, then see what happens.
  • "Five minutes to air" are the best words in the English language.
  • Actions are immoral. Opinions are not.
  • Get in the game.
  • Racing horses is the sport of kings, whereas poker is the sport of people who play poker.
  • It is possible to be allergic to lemon peels, and not be allergic to lemons themselves.
  • In the game of love, it ain't over until the bell rings.
  • Bad things happen when people get involved in other people's business.
  • A man cares more about his past than his future.
  • No one drinks eggnog at Easter.
  • You should strike while the iron is hot.
  • There are over 14,200 six-letter words in the English language.
  • Exaudio, Comperio, Conloquor is a Latin phrase that translates "To listen, to learn, to speak."
  • It isn't calm before the storm. Stuff happens.
  • Most people are indifferent toward Zambonis.
  • There is nothing wrong with a good ho-down.
  • Food always tastes good on the first date.
  • You can't control the weather, so you shouldn't worry about it.
  • The national bird of Finland is the Whooping Swan.
  • If you're going to take pictures, it helps to put the film in correctly.
  • Restaurants don't impress women as much as men think they do.
  • A coven is a group of witches.
  • The world keeps moving in one direction.
  • If people just want the score they can listen to the radio.
  • Seeing is believing.
  • If you love something you gotta set it free.
  • Satan had a goatee and he could tell a joke.
  • Sitting in the back of the bus was how it was done until a 42-year-old woman moved up front.
  • There's nothing like Tuesdays at noon.
  • Deciding not to stick your hand in a blender is a good idea.
  • More people die of breast cancer every year than of AIDS.
  • Having read Dr. Zhivago cover-to-cover does not make you the czar.
  • An oriole is a kind of bird.
  • There's no such thing as an overnight ring cleaners.
  • Sorry don't make the buttercup shine.
  • Diamond is the strongest substance known to man. It can cut glass.
  • Sports is a bottom line business. You win or you loose.
  • There's nothing you learn in fourth grade that you can't learn from a good Minor League farm system.
  • There is action beyond scoring.
  • The summit of Mt. Everest is much smaller than most people imagine. It's really no bigger than the top of a dinning room table.
  • If you want to work in television, you have got to not spontaneously wig out.
  • There are days that separate the men from the Men.
  • Leave the smarty boy remarks to those people who have post-graduate degrees.
  • Giving into your fears can make you stronger and not just a little pathetic.
  • There is nothing wrong with padding your stats over pizza after the game.
  • There is a three-hour time difference between New York City and Brussels.
  • It is what it is.
  • You shouldn't kick fire hydrants.
  • In 1978, the Starland Vocal Band won the Grammy for best new artist.
  • Discussion is good.
  • Pluto's still a planet.
  • The Hotel de Espana is located in Spain.
  • Beware of beauty that is "not of this world".
  • There's a strangeness about this day.
  • You don't fire a black executive during a race relations problem. You wait awhile.
  • There is a subtle distinction between the Muppets and Barney.
  • Never underestimate the human frailty of Yoko Ono.
  • Afternoon Delight by the Starland Vocal Band is just one of the songs on Time Life's Sounds of the 70's collection.
  • Under no circumstances are you to leave school.
  • Always wait for the ninth inning rally.
  • Women do not like be stalked as much as you might think.
  • It's not a good sign if you talk to yourself.
  • You can't run for congress and win if you've got a goatee.
  • It's fun to say "virgin snow".
  • Something is better than nothing.
  • If someone says, "You look nice," that is your cue to say, "Thank you."
  • Honesty will win the day.
  • Shrimp cocktail is comfort food.
  • Chattanooga has two 'O's and three 'A's.
  • In Cuba, Ricky Ricardo would've been Ricardo Ricardo.
  • No one understands the value of a healthy hunch.
  • It would be fundamentally wrong to make up a news story.
  • You can't bump Ukrainian jewel Oksana Baiul, or so you'd think.
  • Men don't ask. Men don't tell. Men don't do a lot of things women think they do.
  • Discretion is very big with some people.
  • If you are going to misuse a word, you should do it properly.
  • When two people talk, they straighten things out.
  • The World Series, by tradition, is contested by players of two different teams that are alive at the same time.
  • Not once does the word Easter appear in the Bible.
  • Offshore yacht racing is a great sport for kids. All you need is $40 million and a dream.
  • Dancing on the tables will get you thrown out of the bar.
  • Not fitting in is how qualified people loose jobs.
  • There's really nothing like seeing a guy realize he's not done yet. It usually goes the other way.
  • Education isn't easy.
  • There is no such thing as a good pun.
  • No matter what you decide, you've got friends.
  • Money won is twice as sweet as money earned.
  • You can wise-ass all you want, but you'll still have to tell your boss what happened.
  • Any reasonable person would rather play soccer than watch it.
  • Your job should be fun.
  • Everybody needs money.
  • When sending out invitations, it is important to include AD with the date. After all, you do not want your guests to show up for a party 2000 years before the birth of Christ.
  • A coven is more than two.
  • When someone breaks up with you and you don't want to break up with them, you can always refuse to acknowledge the breakup.
  • When your friends are excited about something you should be happy for them, even if you have to fake it.
  • The truth is amazingly attractive.
  • No one gives a damn about you and your history with stamps.
  • Don't mess with the statute of limitations.
  • Some men are particular about cake.
  • If you don't like someone's radio show, turn the station and do not threaten to blow up the building.
  • If you are driving out to the stadium, remember to take your car.
  • Boned and deboned mean the same thing.
  • Goalies wear one glove and a catcher's mitt.
  • You shouldn't think that just because someone is looking at you while you are talking that they are necessarily listening or caring what you are saying. It may be something they do just to be polite.
  • A lie can get half way around the world before the truth has a chance to get its boots on.
  • Television cameras do not have ignition keys.
  • There is such a word as disheveled," but "sheveled" is nowhere to be found in the dictionary.
  • Things will look different in the cold light of day.
  • On your best day you make about 10 mistakes.
  • Archibald "A.K." Russell is probably not a name you are familiar with, unless you were lucky enough to see the Kansas City Monarchs play baseball the way it was meant to be played.
  • It's always good to have some spackle.
  • A woman can tell when you are staring at her breasts.
  • You need a building contractor to install a dungeon. And a big moat.
  • There's a lot of crazy-ass stuff out there.
  • Eli's Coming by Three Dog Night is either an omen of bad things to come or a warning to stay away from an inveterate womanizer.
  • Mercury is the god of commerce, wrestling, gymnastics, thieving, good luck, sleep, wealth, and dreams.
  • Miss enough opportunities and the ballgame's over.
  • As if it matters how a man falls, when the fall is all that's left, it matters very much.
  • Not everyone is as smart as we are.
  • Even if you're in therapy, you can still have roughly the same number of marbles as everyone else.
  • It is hard to make your coworkers spontaneously burst into flames.
  • Not everyone shares each other's view of the world.
  • Apparently, sixteen year olds have party affiliations.
  • Some people can be persnickety and make it work for them.
  • Psychiatrists are allowed to be in therapy.
  • It's a little painful for a man not to be seeing the woman he loves.
  • People don't want to take advice from some gin-soaked floozy.
  • If someone leads you to the exit, the meeting's over.
  • There is no appreciation for the days of yore.
  • Hell is a state of being, not a place.
  • Shot sheets are for wimps.
  • You don't want to get caught unprepared.
  • In 1992, all three major presidential candidates were lefties.
  • Being emotional about their work never killed anybody.
  • Hopeful means full of hope.
  • It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
  • The world isn't black and white. It's a much more interesting place.
  • The sum of two adjacent angles of a parallelogram has to equal 180 degrees.
  • There are flights from New York to Chicago every hour.
  • You should grant the premise.
  • A soccer game with high scores is one of nature's newest anomalies.
  • Not every woman falls apart when she breaks up with her boyfriend.
  • Momentarily means both "in a moment" it means "for a moment."
  • You have got to learn to separate the stuff from "the stuff."
  • And finally, "So you say a few words. Make a gesture. Remember an important date. It's a small price to pay for what you get in return. For what you get in return, it's a steal."